Oct 23rd, 2024
The following excerpts are translated from the canonical Latin account, as traditionally attributed to Hildebrand of St. Tropez.
AD MMXXIV
PERCUTE ASINUM TUUM ET ABSCONDE SCRIPTURAM SI DEUS VIGILANTES
…months had passed since the most ardent rancor had subsided, yet still an acute threat of division hung over the realm. Then came a most untimely pronouncement: the great honor of blessing the gathering of the Superior Chalice had been bestowed upon their foe. With this news the long-teetering legitimacy of the sovereign at last wholly collapsed. The final seal on their professed fealty broken, the sworn oaths of the Princes Temporal and Spiritual had been rendered null and void.
Perhaps inevitably then, the major vassals were soon planning open revolt. At the ancient baronial manor of Buckhead, far from the imperial court in Toronto, sat in council J. Cole, Viginti Unus Savage, and delegates from the Imperial Circle of OVO (circuli imperatorii o.v.o.) representing the minor princes. Repudiating their homage, the assembled lords threatened to renounce their loyalty should Drake not make amends before next Feast of the Grammy…
…fearing further erosion of both his immediate power base and his seignorial prerogatives, Drake resolved to end the conflict through a grand personal gesture – as befitting a lord of his esteemed rank (per acta publica centum calidus). So to the great castle of Canossa was he compelled to journey, in order to make humble repentance…
…upon arrival Drake found the gates shut before him. Resolute in his pledge to prove his submission to the status quo postbellum before G-d (hov) and the world, he engaged in self-denial. He first disposed of his finery. With each successive renunciation announced by an autotuned choir of Carmelite nuns, he in turn removed his bespoke jewelry of ebony, enamel, and emerald, an Audemars Piguet watch inlaid with garnet and diamond cloisonné, Loewe boots handcrafted by the guild artisans of Antwerp, and finally a NOCTA x Nike travel sweatsuit sown in a Cambodian sweatshop and purchased for a talent of silver in Samarkand. In their place, he donned only a rough hairshirt from the Gap, and in a further show of the commitment of his house his three most favored companions of the flesh did likewise…
…for three days and two nights Drake fasted, pausing only upon the advice of his doctors to take a poor meal of porridge, leek stew, a bite or two of mutton, an Erewhon smoothie, and a middling Cramant (champagne papula) from the dregs of the LVMH portfolio. Throughout, he knelt in the slight discomfort of the atypically warm winter and an 80/20 cotton-poly blend…
…on the night of the third day, his great rival, Kendrick Lamar, Emperor of the West (kunta imperator occidens), finally summitted the fortress walls himself to look upon the assembled party. It was an appearance bolstered by both his princely garb and formidable personal guard, assembled ranks deep in their fearsome livery of alternating red and blue. And in a further display of magisterial grandeur and martial power, at his right hand stood the resident of the castle and lord of its wealthy demense: Metro Boomin, Margrave of Tuscany. All upon the wall bore a stern countenance, as was clearly beheld by Drake and his entire household, from his most senior advisors down to his lowliest of courtiers.
After a momentary pause pregnant with peril and possibility Kendrick signaled his retainers. A deep breath was drawn by the assembled almost as one, with the imperial decision hanging yet in the balance. With no more than the subtlest of glances from the Imperial Aspect a euphonic droning near-immediately commenced, rising from the grand chapel in the bowels of the fortress. The muffled chant was its grand Gregorian assembly vocalizing the hymnal Not Like Us (non sicut nos) as per their esteemed tradition, albeit with an ambitus more characteristic of the Ambrosian.
Drake listened to the chastisement in resigned silence. The chant repeated, once then twice then thrice, before transitioning into a medley of lesser movements from To Pimp A Butterfly (ad prostituere papilionem). The recall to a time of peace and amity bore a conciliatory but clear and resolute message implicit within. The terms of this unspoken sanction were immediately accepted by Drake with a single solitary tear – one the assembled heralds uniformly agreed was acceptably serene and noble. The rite was thus concluded. The supplication – some might say surrender – had been accepted. The gates of the castle were thrown open, and into its great hall Drake was ushered, to make homage and in return be welcomed with bread and salt and meat…
BENEDICTUS, BENEDICTUS, BENEDICTUS